Lana-mania!!!

LANA DEL REY!!!!! omg, must I say more? Those bee-stung lips, brunette locks and understated curves have got me mesmerised! She looks like an actress from a 1960's American film, but on the same token, a product of our generation, proudly parading chucks and jeans whenever attacked by paparazzi. I must admit, I am extremely late to the Del Rey band wagon, only discovering this beauty queen about a week ago, but her artistic process has absolutely hit me like storm, a cyclone of patriarchy and thought-provoking work. Oh god, I have never thought of myself as a fan girl, but jesus christ, lana's got me tingly in my downstairs in more ways then one!!!! 

"Okay Josh, we get it, you're crushing on a singer. That's new! Let's forget about Gaga, Katy Perry, Lily Allen, artists that you've also had major crushes on! Lana is just another queen in that deck of cards!" HOWEVER, I feel like Lana is so different from any other artist that I've grown quite immense crushes for in the procession of my life! Okay okay, I shall explain myself to you, and I think the best way to go about doing this is via the use of subheadings :D (omg, I'm getting organised, I know, I scared myself too) And yes, Lana is totes paying me to do all of this ;) 

Josh discovers Lana (screw Romeo and Juliet, this is the real shit!)

As I said earlier, I'm relatively new to the world of Lana, but I've sort of known about her existence for a while. Towards the end of last year, Lana's breakthrough single 'Born To Die' was very strongly and aggressively marketed to the public, especially on Youtube. Now as you guys know, youtube is my crack. Other boys go out to Bankstown station and smoke weed, I stay home and watch youtube (as I always say, I'm a gangster). So, this wave of commercialisation hit me real hard in December of last year, but I remained relatively immune to it. The title of the song really turned me off (I don't do depressing shit, I just don't, I live in a world of fairy floss and teletubbies) and I just wasn't interested in what seemed to be another American chick trying to make it big in the industry. But it all changed last week at Woolworths BAAAAAAASS HILL where I heard Video Games being played as I was shopping for mentos and coca-cola (long story, don't ask). I instantly fell in love with the song, memorised a line of the lyrics and ran home and googled it, and low and behold, this bitch that I've been trying to avoid pops up in the search results. I was just like "Bitch, really?" But I bit my pride and listened to her music, and in the time span of about 4 songs, I knew that I was destined to have Lana's children. We were just meant to be. She's hot, I'm hot.  Done and done. Better then committing suicide, I'd say (thanks for nothing Romeo and Juliet!) 

da controversy bro! 

There is ALOT of controversy surrounding this chickadee, stretching from deep topics such as her family history and relationships, to shallow Josh-esque points of discussion like "Are those lips real slut!?! I know you got collagen happening up in there guurrl!" And this just makes me love her even more! A lot of people really question her rise to fame and say that the only reason she has been so successful is because her daddy is loaded and payed his daughter's way to success. Many folk say that her current image is completely fake and has been engineered completely by the music industry to make her albums sell. Some say that she's illuminati, and faaaaar do I have a bone to pick with these illumati nuts! But, as I said, this just makes me adore her that much more! I love people with a coloured past, I can't stand square white bread people, I just can't. "Well I went to law school and am now a successful paralegal with 2 children and am married and live in a house with a white-picketed fence and earn tons of money." No. Go fuck yourself (but not in a pleasurable way!) Also, her performance on Saturday Night Live absolutely blew the girl out of the water! For those of you who don't know about this incident, Lana basically performed on this tv show in America and didn't perform as well as people were expecting her to. The thing with Lana is that she has a very very deep singing voice and hence her performance can be affected quite severely under the wrong set of circumstances. I just think she was nervous, but people tore her apart for it. But, if anything, all of that hype around that single performance created so so SO much press for her, and you know they saying: all publicity is good publicity ;) 

Her deep deep (and I mean fucking deep) videos

Holy Jesus mother of pearl! This chick makes amazing videos! I use to think Gaga's videos were deep, but Lana without a doubt takes the cake, and this is saying something cause Gaga and I go waaay back! Her style is flawless and so simple, and the interesting thing is, she never 'sluts it up' (this is a Josh term, get with it) in any of her videos, which is so unusual for an american female singer to do! Born to Die, Blue Jeans and Summertime Sadness have amazing videos to their name, but one that I want to focus on today is the video this chick made for National Anthem. 

(if you don't watch this, a family of baby kittens will be run over by a speeding lebo hard-cunt-bro in Punchbowl!) 

God, this video speaks for itself. Lana draws a parallel in this video with the story of John. F Kennedy. She is Marilyn Monroe in this fantasy, but get this, this modern spin on this American tragedy has a young african-american rapper as the president!!!! The two are shown to be a married couple, have two children, but also lead a very very interesting double life together! How so? The scene where she is having breakfast on the family table WHILST smoking is flawless! The scene cuts towards the beginning of the video between scenes of Lana and her black president husband celebrating their young girl's birthday and dirty dancing at a party with drugs and alcohol also resonated with me on a deep level. Patriarchy and American pride is a key theme in all of Lana's work, but what I love about Lana is that she shows the good and the bad in American culture. I mean, just watch it for yourself, she even has shootings towards the end of the video, like when John F. Kennedy got shot, I mean, it's gold! And her singing Marilyn's "Happy birthday mr president", I mean, gosh. Lana is actually the modern day Aphrodite! 

Lana is the new Marissa Cooper

If you don't know who Marissa Cooper is, may I enquire as to what rock you live under?? Anyway, Marissa was the lead girl character in the 2004 hit tv show The O.C., and Marissa is quite well renowned for always wearing flats. YES, JUST FLATS! and this is lana! Lana is constantly in chucks, ballet pumps and thongs (flip-flops in you're American, don't get it twisted there!!) She barely even does live performances and gigs in heels, she rocks those flats proud! And I LOVE THIS!!!! 

Now, I know exactly what you're thinking. "... Josh, they're just shoes. Get over yourself." BUT DON'T YOU SEE?!?! Shoes are a window into a person's soul! Lana's love for flats and casual dress makes her so easy to relate to. It shows that she's a real person, and not some slut who feels the need to parade herself in heels. Even out clubbing and partying, Lana has been caught wearing nice and fashionable flats as opposed to obnoxious 6-inch wedges. She is the new Marissa! So gorgeous and so amazing that she doesn't even need platformed footwear to make her feel superior. (oh my brain...) 

So, there you have it folks!!! That is why Lana and I are gonna get married! Ahhhh she's such a machine!!! Even her tone of voice in interviews and on the red carpet is just flawless! Ergh I love her! 

Wedding invitations are to be released shortly, and if you don't get one, it's probably because Lana and I don't like you very much, so ha! (not because of the slight chance that I might be making all this up and Lana actually doesn't know of my existence... no, don't be silly!!! ... I'm so forever alone...) 

K love ya chickadees! 

lana is SEXXXXXXX!!