The Perks of Having Exams -.-

Howdy Chickadees!!!

I hope we are all doing well! I finished my uni exams last week, and I had made all these extravagant and adventurous plans for my holidays whilst I was stressing and preparing for the 4 papers I had to sit, and low and behold, all I've been doing is pumping Lana in my room and dancing on my bed like a crazy! Yep, sounds about right ;)

Over the past 14 odd years of my academic life, I have come to pick up on some pretty annoying things that take place during exams that literally drive me up the wall. I think that you, my darling readers, have come to conclude that I just hate people (literally, we are annoying little shits!) but there is something about exams that really intensifies people's annoyingness (I'm making that a word). 

So, without further ado, let me take you over some things that turns me off about exams! LET THE RANTING BEGIN! 

1. Nerdy Friends

Man, there is nothing that annoys me more than bothered smart people! And they make themselves ridiculously visible during exam time! 

Chloe: OMG BABE I DID NOT STUDY FOR THIS EXAM AT ALL!!
Josh: Really hun??
Chloe: Yea! Not at all! Oh my god I'm so screwed!
Josh: Well then, please explain that 128-page exercise book that you are carrying filled from front to back with study notes!!!!
Chloe: Oh this old thing?! That's nothing! I just pulled this together last night when I was stressed!
Josh: *Reaches for frying pan*

Bitch, we know you studied! Shut up and stop guilt-tripping me 10 minutes before I go into the exam room! 

Let us not forget the children that annoy the shit out of you to test them on course material, but when you ask them to ask you a practice question, they shy away and resort to their study notes. I'ma gonna slap you, then I'ma gonna slap yo' mama, and then I'ma gonna slap yo mama's mama! 

Oh, and have you guys got a 'Jess' in your life?? What do I mean by a 'Jess'?? Please, read on: 

Jess: *walks out of exam* EPIC FAIL!!! 

Josh: OMG yay someone else who found the test hard as well! Let's be friends! 

*Exam results come back* 

Jess: OMG I got 99%, I guess that's alright... 

Josh: *Hides his 48% mark* WHORE YOU SAID YOU FOUND IT HARD!!!!!! 

[Disclaimer: I LOVE YOU CHLOE AND JESS!!! MWA!!] 

2. The Exam Supervisors

Now here's the thing, I don't dislike the supervisors as much as I dislike how I treat them!! I am a dreadful dreadful heartless person when I enter an exam room, and any physical or eye contact I get from people whilst I am seated and sweating my ass off, in particular from the cute old people that supervise university exams, I reciprocate with extremist death stars! But I don't mean to, I swear! It's all unintentional! 

For my Journalism exam this semester, for an example, there was a cute old lady who was watching over the exam room, and I was simply a bitch to her! How? 

a) Every time she looked at me, I subconsciously challenged her to a staring competition, hence making her feel very uncomfortable. 

b) Whenever she walked by me, I took a deep breath as if she was annoying me. 

c) When she came to check my student i.d. card, I flinched and gave her a bit of a shock, and continued to give her a death stare. 

d) When she was collecting the exam papers, I shoved my booklet into her hand and rushed away. 

Darling old lady, if you're reading this, I am oh so sorry! I'm not really a bitch... well, ok, maybe a little bit... but not to you!! 

But the thing with exam supervisors is that every time they look at you, it's like they're judging you, and no matter what you do, it looks like you're cheating! If you bend down to pick up a pencil you dropped, it looks like you're cheating. If you take a drink of water, it looks like you're cheating. If you look around the room, it looks like you're cheating. If you stare blankly into space, it looks like you're cheating. If you itch your head, it looks like you're cheating. I mean, come on! 

3. Skanks in exam rooms

I am always seated next to the biggest bludgers in exam rooms, and it bloody annoys me! These are usually blonde bimbos (who theoretically I should be able to get along with, but no) who insist on going to the bathroom at least three times throughout the course of the exam, stretch every 2 minutes, and stare aimlessly into space with their tongues sticking out. YOU ANNOY ME CHILD! 

They also click their pens, kick their tables and insist on bringing in 5 litre bottles into the room. 

Why can't I just sit next to an ordinary person?! That way, if I get stuck on a question and want to cheat, I can actually look over to someone's paper who's answers I might remotely be able to trust! 

Honestly, why are you even sitting the exam honey pie?? Just sleep with the course administrator and get him to fix up your marks. (Disclaimer: I strongly advise against this!!!) But I mean... a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do ;) 

No but seriously, don't sleep with your teachers. In fact, don't sleep with anyone! DON'T HAVE SEX, BECAUSE YOU WILL GET PREGNANT... AND DIE! DON'T HAVE SEX IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION, DON'T HAVE SEX STANDING UP! JUST DON'T DO IT, PROMISE?!?! Okay, everyone take some rubbers. 

4. Exams which you are given the questions of before-hand

You'd think this is a good thing, right?! If you knew what questions would be in the exam? NO, THINK AGAIN! 

You wanna know why?! Because regardless, I won't study for it. Quite the opposite, I'll think I won't need to worry about preparing for that exam too much because I already have the questions. 

MEANWHILE, extremist nerds are writing prepared responses for these questions and memorising the shit out of them, leading to them kicking your ass big time! 

No, I would much rather you not tell us the questions Mr. Lecturer, so that way route-learning bitches don't have an advantage and we can all be on the same page of confusedness because we don't know jackshit. And I have spent the majority of my schooling life refining my bullshitting skills, so I would  like to show off this talent of mine THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! 

5. Yourself

I bloody hate myself during exams! Why? I'm unorganised, study the night before every exam regardless of how much time I'm given to prepare before hand and I'm a stress head! A very volatile combination of ingredients if you ask me! 

I'm the Queen of Procrastination! 

"Oh, I've got a media exam tomorrow of which I know nothing about?!? No worries, I'll just watch 5 HOURS WORTH OF GREGORY GORGEOUS VIDEOS and then I'll get started." 

"Hmmmm, should I get my notes together or should I start cleaning my room, even though I haven't cleaned it in a years time. No brainer there, I'll get the broom!!" 

Mother: I'm going shopping, wanna come?

Josh: No, I have an exam tomorrow mum. 

Mother: Well, I might be swinging by Maccas later on-- 

Josh: I'll race you to the car!!! 

I mean, I really outdo my laziness levels during exams! You'd think you'd amp it up a level during exams. Not me, I actually take it down a notch. I tell myself YOLO, and then I cry after my exam. And then I tell myself YOLO, and I go get drunk :) LOL JOKES, I HAVE ARAB PARENTS!! I go home and drink lebo coffee with the mother. But than again, that stuff is so strong, I wouldn't be surprised if it was classified as an alcohol!! 

6. Asians

Okay, this is me being completely racist. But Asians just really put me on edge during exam time! I just see them and start crying because I stereotypically believe that they have studied their asses off whilst I was watching back-to-back episodes of Judge Judy. INAPPROPRIATE SEQUENCE OF RACIST MEMES!!! 

Okay my darlings, so I hope you can all relate, and if you can't and this is all just me... well THAT is pretty awkward!! 

And I am sure you are all wondering what song I was procrastinating to the most this prior exam period! Well it was.... *drumroll* .... Pepsi-Cola by Lana Del Rey! It is extremely inappropriate, and hence perfect for studying! Because when we are studying for exams, we all question the reason why we are putting ourselves through such torture and consider quite interesting future career paths like Stripping and Prostitution :) And what better way to fuel these thoughts than to listen to Lana Del Rey singing about her pussy :) 

Okay BYEEEEEEE!!! 

Everybody's a 'whore' :)

CHICKADEES! 

How are my darlings today? 

What do I want to address in this blog made in Idaho?? Well, just a very laid-back and happy-go-lucky question along the lines of: WHY IS THE WORD 'WHORE' SUCH A TABBOO REMARK IN  TODAY'S SOCIETY?!?! 

Okay okay, maybe I understand why it is, but the revolutionary message that I am here to share with all of you guys is the fact that we are all, indeed, whores! 

How do we define whore? I define it as a sexual person. And, let's be real here, we are ALL sexual persons. It's not me speaking, it's science! It is scientifically proven that we all like a little action on a lonely Friday night... I am pretty sure. Why is that? I dunno. It's written in The Origin of Species... somewhere... 

Why is it that our society is so afraid of sexual promiscuity? Yea, I do believe that going around and sleeping with randoms is not the best thing you can do for both your physical and emotional health, but WHY is there such an emphasis on degrading people (in particular but not restricted to women) in regards to their sex life? 

I mean, let's think about this for a second, right. Smoking is, for an example, an activity that people engage in that is extremely detrimental to their health. But in a Christian household, for an example, a smoker does not cope close to a quater of the abuse that a sexually ambitious woman would. WHY?!?! Why can't we use phrases like "OMG do you see that girl dancing in the corner? Yea, she is such a smoker" as opposed to "... she is such a whore!" 

And I do not pose this question as a literal question, I do understand that there are many cultural and religious reasons why whores are degraded, and I'm not here to debate this. Rather, I would like to give you guys a few pointers/examples/ideas that will hopefully prove to you that we, the human race, are all complete and utter whorebags, and the sooner we come to realise this, the sooner we will all be able to rejoice together in our slutty ways! 

Josh's amazing list of examples of everyday activities/ aspects of our lives that make us whores!!!!

Clearly, I have extraordinary title-making skills -.-

1. Exercising

"OMG babe I totally exercise so I can stay healthy and fit." 

Yea yea, okay, I believe you -.- That's a complete lie, and you know it! Why do we exercise??? So we can get hot butts and legs and muscles and chests and abs. Why? So we can be perceived as attractive. Why? SO WE CAN HAVE A HIGHER CHANCE OF GETTING LAID AT THE CLUB/ BAR/ SCHOOL/ CHURCH/ WHATEVER!!!!! 

When you go for that 20 kilometer jog at 6am on a Sunday morning, you're not doing it because you're worried about your cholesterol levels! It's because you want to lose weight and fit into that lingerie outfit you saw at bras'n'things the other day! (It's also an added bonus that your hot Brazilian neighbour (who is a lawyer and single) religiously attends to his garden bright and early every Sunday morning! Oh those Brazilians... )

Why do you go to the gym to lift weights? So you can use that "I can bench press you" pick-up line on any girl you might happen to fancy! 

Why can't we just not care about our looks and eat whatever we want and not care what our bodies look like??? Hmmmmm... And don't give me the health bullshit again. A fat person can still be healthy, don't be ignorant! They're just not as easily laid... ;) 

2. Slut-Shaming

"Do you know that chick Karen, yea, she is a total Hoe!" 

"Did you see what she was wearing to the Gym bro?! Faar what a ganga!" 

I will be the first to admit, I am something I like to describe as a whore-shamer-by-habit. I usually call myself a whore and my friends whores without really thinking through what I'm saying. This is a sub-category, I believe, of general slut-shaming. Because people are so insecure about their own sexuality, they proceed to call each other sluts and hoes. 

Girls call each other hoes because they're jealous that the other party is getting more action down south then they are, and guys slut shame other girls because they're frustrated that they can't get with them. The fact that guys don't generally get called sluts frustrates me, but that's a different topic all together. 

This jealousy simply reinforces the argument that we are all sluts! You know in the wild how animals fight with each other about who gets to mate who? Our version of this breeding ritual is called slut shaming. The only reason we do it is because we want to be the ones getting the action! 

3. Religion itself

I mean, have you ever really given it a proper thought as to why the vast majority of religions condemn sexual promiscuity? There are two ways I can answer this: 

The Politically Correct Answer: "Sexual immorality leads to various consequences for the individual in question. It is emotionally draining, may have extreme repercussions on their health and, overall, leads to them having an unstable and unfulfilling life." 

The Realistic Answer: "We live in a world run by men, and men do not like the idea that there might have been, at one stage or another, one or more penises from men other then themselves inside the woman they are married to. This woman is theirs and theirs alone. If the men themselves restrain from sex until they get married (which is extremely unlikely) they simply do this out of respect to their fellow males." 

Religion restricts us from doing a whole shit load of things. Why? It was constructed by males for males. Can't get any simpler than that. And let's understand something here, my fellow Idahoans, a woman who sleeps with simply her husband-to-be before marriage is still looked down upon by the religious. WHY?!?! Think about it! Men who have slept around are just going through a phase that all boys go through and they will eventually learn, BUT GIRLS?! God forbid! She's ruined for life! 

And once again, I'm not categorising all religious people. However, this is definitely the underlying thought to it. 

And why?! This comes back to the point of jealousy. We are SEXUAL BEINGS, hence why Religion finds it necessary to regulate sexual affairs. Religious people who degrade the sexually promiscuous are simply more articulate and polite slut-shamers.

4. YOU'RE READING THIS BLOG! 

Why are you reading this blog? Because you saw the word 'whore' in the title! You want to know about whores. You want to be entertained by the ways of whores. You're interested in whores. YOU ARE A WHORE! 

But, my darling viewers, I don't want you to take this in an offensive way! Once we take the power away from a word, it no longer hurts us! Gone are the days when we were sexually repressed, and here we are today in the 21st century, an era of liberation and freedom! Our sexuality should not be something that can be used against us to repress us, because our sexuality is US! 

Just like we no longer discriminate against people because of their race, gender or religion (or at least I would like to think we don't) we should not degrade or look down upon each other because of the number of sexual partners we have or the frequency of the sexual acts we engage in. 

Is it wrong? This is not for us to judge! Just like we don't degradingly judge smokers or people who like eating fatty sugary foods or Jews. 

We have to remove this stigma about sluts and whores out of our language and our society, because as soon as we do this, the sooner we can all realise that we are ALL big fat whores, and it's aye okay :) 

Oh how I love cheesy endings! I seem to do them oh so well ;) 

Hope you have a lovely week, be kind to others, treat your mothers well, don't take candy from strangers and use a condom if any interesting situations present themselves to you in a public bathroom cubicle in the next few days.

Believe me, some people needed to read that. 

BYEEEE CHICKADEES!