CHICKADEES!!!!! How are we all?! Good? Good! Cause I don't care!
Ok, so, I haven't posted any useful advice-giving sorta blogs as of recent, so I thought I would share some of my wisdom with the lot of you this week, because I am absolutely bursting with intelligence and knowledge! I just have to share it with the world! Hold your applause, please.
Don't you just hate it when you bump into: some random you use to know from school OR a relative you haven't spoken to in/ avoided for years (partly because you think they're fat ugly Jews) OR an old boss that didn't like you very much cause you kept telling customers in their store that their screaming children were feral little rats (I might/ might not be speaking from experience) - and you are forced to make conversation with this particular human being?
I HATE IT. It scares the living daylights out of me. Not because I have to talk, but because I'm scared my 'fakeness' is too obvious. It's like when I'm trying to sell a pair of jeans to a customer and they ask me "Does this make me look fat?" to which I respond "Are you kidding me?! Your curves look amazing!" whilst thinking to myself 'Oh god, did she see me smile in the mirror reflection? Crap, she knows I think she looks like a whale! I lost the sale! Abort! Abort!'
So this is a general outline of how I deal with these kind of conversations. Learn from my mistakes people!
1. AVOID CONTACT AT ALL COSTS!
If you see this person approaching from a distance, try and get your sorry ass out of sight as quickly as possible! If that means you have to turn around in mid stride and go back the way you came whilst copping a whole lot of awkward looks from the people walking alongside you on the footpath, so be it! If that means pulling down your sunglasses, turning your scarf into a hijab and talking on your dead phone like you're the owner of some multi-billion dollar company, so be it! If that means jumping into a nearby bush (always a classy move), so be it!
This will make life much easier for you. But if you fools don't react quick enough and find yourself greeted with a "Oh my god, is that you babe/bro/whatever?!" there is still hope that you can survive this life threatning ordeal.
2. ACT FU*KING EXCITED!
Okay, you're pretty much screwed at this point, so its time to put on that fake smile.
If it's a girl: "HEY BABES! OMG I MISS YOU! HOW YOU BEEN?! ALL GOOD?! OMG I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES!! WHAT, I HAVEN'T BEEN CALLING YOU?! BABE I FEEL LIKE YOU'VE FALLEN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!" and all of that nonsense.
If it's a guy: "Hey brah, how's it going?"
DO NOT:
* point out any weird haircuts
* tell them to remind you of their name. Keep using the phrases "babe" or "brah"
* indicate that you've noticed the missing wedding ring
3. COMPLIMENT
You wanna make them feel happy and comfortable, cause that means the conversation flows painlessly and ends quicker.
If it's a girl: "HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT HUN? OMG YOU HAVE HAVEN'T YOU?! YOU LOOK AMAZING! AND YOUR DRESS! OMG BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS DRESSED NICE, I MISS YOUR FASHION! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO HAVE LOST ALL THIS WEIGHT, I MEAN, OMG. AND I'VE HEARD THAT YOU GOT THAT JOB AT FREEHILLS!!! YOU SMART BEATCH, I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU!"
If it's a guy: "Bro, have you been working out? Those guns are huge!"
Remember, act completely surprised by any positive changes in their appearance. If you don't, they will know that you've been stalking their facebook photos.
DO NOT:
* Compliment their nose ring
* Compliment their fake tan
* Compliment them on breaking up with their gronk boyfriend (again, they will know you've been stalking them on facebook)
4. TALK ABOUT LIFE
Remember, you're very interested in their life, because that's the kind of person you are. Saint Therese ain't got shit on you!
If it's a girl: "SO HOW'S UNI/WORK/ THE CENTRELINK PAYMENTS?!?! YEA, DON'T WORRY, MY BOSS IS A SKANK TOO! AND HOW ABOUT THE LOVE LIFE? ANY TRIPS PLANNED FOR THIS SUMMER? HOW'S THE FAMILY?! I MISS YOUR MUM MAN, I MISS OUR CONVERSATIONS WITH HER!"
If it's a boy: "How's engineering going brah? You should've come to UTS brah, fuck UNSW!"
DO NOT:
* talk about how you're currently dating their ex.
* go into detail about university and study. That just makes you look like a prick. A smart prick, but a prick nevertheless.
* ask if she is pregnant. Ha, good luck getting yourself out of that one. "Ha, well, must just be the cupcakes then!" ...
5. MAKE FAKE PROMISES AS YOU BID FAREWELL
This part is mandatory. Jesus will forgive you eventually.
If it's a girl: "WE MUST CATCH UP FOR COFFEE SOON BABES, I REALLY DO MISS YOU! I'LL COME BY YOUR WORK NEXT WEEK AND WE'LL GRAB A BITE TO EAT DURING YOUR BREAK. NO NO I STILL HAVE YOUR NUMBER SAVED ON MY PHONE, I'LL TEXT YA AND WE'LL ORGANISE A DAY, HOW DOES THAT SOUND? AND YOU HAVE ME ON FACEBOOK, RIGHT?! YEA, I'LL ORGANISE A GROUP EVENT AND INVITE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS AND WE'LL ORGANISE A DINNER NIGHT, MAYBE BONDI PIZZA OR SOMETHING!"
If it's a guy: "Good seeing ya bro, we'll def grab a drink sometime."
DO NOT:
* use the word 'maybe' in any of your fake promises. They must all sound legit.
* set a date to catchup on the spot. Say you'll organise it later.
* attempt to make contact again.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS!!!!
That's how to be a good friend ;) Now you can walk the streets with confidence, feeling ready and equipped to deal with any unwanted 'blasts from the past.' Now just you wait, I'm most probably gonna bump into an old school friend tomorrow and they'll start the conversation off with "I liked the blog you posted last night." ... to which I will respond "THANKS BABES, OMG I MISS YOUR POSITIVE ATTITUDE TO LIFE!!!!" ;)
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
