I hope we are all doing well! I finished my uni exams last week, and I had made all these extravagant and adventurous plans for my holidays whilst I was stressing and preparing for the 4 papers I had to sit, and low and behold, all I've been doing is pumping Lana in my room and dancing on my bed like a crazy! Yep, sounds about right ;)
Over the past 14 odd years of my academic life, I have come to pick up on some pretty annoying things that take place during exams that literally drive me up the wall. I think that you, my darling readers, have come to conclude that I just hate people (literally, we are annoying little shits!) but there is something about exams that really intensifies people's annoyingness (I'm making that a word).
So, without further ado, let me take you over some things that turns me off about exams! LET THE RANTING BEGIN!
Man, there is nothing that annoys me more than bothered smart people! And they make themselves ridiculously visible during exam time!
Chloe: OMG BABE I DID NOT STUDY FOR THIS EXAM AT ALL!!
Josh: Really hun??
Chloe: Yea! Not at all! Oh my god I'm so screwed!
Josh: Well then, please explain that 128-page exercise book that you are carrying filled from front to back with study notes!!!!
Chloe: Oh this old thing?! That's nothing! I just pulled this together last night when I was stressed!
Josh: *Reaches for frying pan*
Bitch, we know you studied! Shut up and stop guilt-tripping me 10 minutes before I go into the exam room!
Let us not forget the children that annoy the shit out of you to test them on course material, but when you ask them to ask you a practice question, they shy away and resort to their study notes. I'ma gonna slap you, then I'ma gonna slap yo' mama, and then I'ma gonna slap yo mama's mama!
Oh, and have you guys got a 'Jess' in your life?? What do I mean by a 'Jess'?? Please, read on:
Jess: *walks out of exam* EPIC FAIL!!!
Josh: OMG yay someone else who found the test hard as well! Let's be friends!
*Exam results come back*
Jess: OMG I got 99%, I guess that's alright...
Josh: *Hides his 48% mark* WHORE YOU SAID YOU FOUND IT HARD!!!!!!
[Disclaimer: I LOVE YOU CHLOE AND JESS!!! MWA!!]
2. The Exam Supervisors
Now here's the thing, I don't dislike the supervisors as much as I dislike how I treat them!! I am a dreadful dreadful heartless person when I enter an exam room, and any physical or eye contact I get from people whilst I am seated and sweating my ass off, in particular from the cute old people that supervise university exams, I reciprocate with extremist death stars! But I don't mean to, I swear! It's all unintentional!
For my Journalism exam this semester, for an example, there was a cute old lady who was watching over the exam room, and I was simply a bitch to her! How?
a) Every time she looked at me, I subconsciously challenged her to a staring competition, hence making her feel very uncomfortable.
b) Whenever she walked by me, I took a deep breath as if she was annoying me.
c) When she came to check my student i.d. card, I flinched and gave her a bit of a shock, and continued to give her a death stare.
d) When she was collecting the exam papers, I shoved my booklet into her hand and rushed away.
Darling old lady, if you're reading this, I am oh so sorry! I'm not really a bitch... well, ok, maybe a little bit... but not to you!!
But the thing with exam supervisors is that every time they look at you, it's like they're judging you, and no matter what you do, it looks like you're cheating! If you bend down to pick up a pencil you dropped, it looks like you're cheating. If you take a drink of water, it looks like you're cheating. If you look around the room, it looks like you're cheating. If you stare blankly into space, it looks like you're cheating. If you itch your head, it looks like you're cheating. I mean, come on!
3. Skanks in exam rooms
I am always seated next to the biggest bludgers in exam rooms, and it bloody annoys me! These are usually blonde bimbos (who theoretically I should be able to get along with, but no) who insist on going to the bathroom at least three times throughout the course of the exam, stretch every 2 minutes, and stare aimlessly into space with their tongues sticking out. YOU ANNOY ME CHILD!
They also click their pens, kick their tables and insist on bringing in 5 litre bottles into the room.
Why can't I just sit next to an ordinary person?! That way, if I get stuck on a question and want to cheat, I can actually look over to someone's paper who's answers I might remotely be able to trust!
Honestly, why are you even sitting the exam honey pie?? Just sleep with the course administrator and get him to fix up your marks. (Disclaimer: I strongly advise against this!!!) But I mean... a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do ;)
No but seriously, don't sleep with your teachers. In fact, don't sleep with anyone! DON'T HAVE SEX, BECAUSE YOU WILL GET PREGNANT... AND DIE! DON'T HAVE SEX IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION, DON'T HAVE SEX STANDING UP! JUST DON'T DO IT, PROMISE?!?! Okay, everyone take some rubbers.
4. Exams which you are given the questions of before-hand
You'd think this is a good thing, right?! If you knew what questions would be in the exam? NO, THINK AGAIN!
You wanna know why?! Because regardless, I won't study for it. Quite the opposite, I'll think I won't need to worry about preparing for that exam too much because I already have the questions.
MEANWHILE, extremist nerds are writing prepared responses for these questions and memorising the shit out of them, leading to them kicking your ass big time!
No, I would much rather you not tell us the questions Mr. Lecturer, so that way route-learning bitches don't have an advantage and we can all be on the same page of confusedness because we don't know jackshit. And I have spent the majority of my schooling life refining my bullshitting skills, so I would like to show off this talent of mine THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!
5. Yourself
I bloody hate myself during exams! Why? I'm unorganised, study the night before every exam regardless of how much time I'm given to prepare before hand and I'm a stress head! A very volatile combination of ingredients if you ask me!
I'm the Queen of Procrastination!
"Oh, I've got a media exam tomorrow of which I know nothing about?!? No worries, I'll just watch 5 HOURS WORTH OF GREGORY GORGEOUS VIDEOS and then I'll get started."
"Hmmmm, should I get my notes together or should I start cleaning my room, even though I haven't cleaned it in a years time. No brainer there, I'll get the broom!!"
Mother: I'm going shopping, wanna come?
Josh: No, I have an exam tomorrow mum.
Mother: Well, I might be swinging by Maccas later on--
Josh: I'll race you to the car!!!
I mean, I really outdo my laziness levels during exams! You'd think you'd amp it up a level during exams. Not me, I actually take it down a notch. I tell myself YOLO, and then I cry after my exam. And then I tell myself YOLO, and I go get drunk :) LOL JOKES, I HAVE ARAB PARENTS!! I go home and drink lebo coffee with the mother. But than again, that stuff is so strong, I wouldn't be surprised if it was classified as an alcohol!!
6. Asians
Okay, this is me being completely racist. But Asians just really put me on edge during exam time! I just see them and start crying because I stereotypically believe that they have studied their asses off whilst I was watching back-to-back episodes of Judge Judy. INAPPROPRIATE SEQUENCE OF RACIST MEMES!!!
Okay my darlings, so I hope you can all relate, and if you can't and this is all just me... well THAT is pretty awkward!!
And I am sure you are all wondering what song I was procrastinating to the most this prior exam period! Well it was.... *drumroll* .... Pepsi-Cola by Lana Del Rey! It is extremely inappropriate, and hence perfect for studying! Because when we are studying for exams, we all question the reason why we are putting ourselves through such torture and consider quite interesting future career paths like Stripping and Prostitution :) And what better way to fuel these thoughts than to listen to Lana Del Rey singing about her pussy :)
Okay BYEEEEEEE!!!
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