My top ten models! (Myself not included obviously, because I'm modest)

Chickadees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I hope you are all doing well. I've really wanted to post a blog the last few days, but in all honesty, my brain has turned to mush, and university is to blame. No sooner do I finish writing an essay do I realise I have another one due in a few days. If I'm not going through that vicious cycle, I have some in-class test I need to study for or I realise I need to complete a tutorial paper my inconsiderate, unreliable and completely scatter-brained teacher decided to create two days ago and made due in three days time for no apparent reason. RANT OVER. 

So, seeing that I currently have the mental capacity of a turnip and the attention span of a rock, and I am in dire need of some form of constructive activity, I thought I would make a nice, fun and completely superficial blog about MODELS!!!

I am a procrastinator, as I am sure you all know by now, and one of my favourite activities to engage in whilst wasting my precious time is watching fashion shows! All sorts of fashion shows, may I add: Elie Saab, New York Fashion Week, Michael Kors, the VMAs (don't argue with me, that excuse for an awards ceremony, in its own retarded way, is a runway!) and my personal favourite, Victoria's Secret!!! I have grown fond of a few models over the past few months (by fond I mean jealous) and here they are, in all of their glory!!! Here, ladies and gentlemen (and everything in-between) are my top ten favourites:

10. Lily Aldridge

I love this chicka, she is such a babe. My first impression of this girl was really quite hilarious though. I watched her on the Angels in Bloom section of VS 2012 and I was thinking to myself "What the hell is up her ass?!" because, literally, she has the most retarded catwalk I have ever seen! It's like some kind of awkward limp, but I found it so funny. But I mean, to her defence, she did have a baby, like, a few months before that particular show, however, to my defence, she had the exact same walk on the runway in the previous three years before she popped the kid out so, meh. But, whatever, that walk kinda makes her unique, I guess :/. And her teeth are super-retarded, I love it! Overall, she's super sexy, you go girlfriend! 

9. Cara Delevingne

Shu those eyebrows!!!! This chick has the best facial hair, hands down! To be completely honest, the first time I came across a picture of Cara's face, I was quite scared and intimidated. I was not completely sure if it was a boy or a girl. She actually has the body of a 12 year old asian kid, no joke, but I love it. I don't see it too much as her being anorexic as opposed to her being herself. It's just her body type, and props to her for rocking what she has! I honestly never thought I would warm up to the idea of liking Miss Delevingne, but she really has grown on me. Not to mention she has an awesome personality! And omg at all the reports of her selling and taking drugs, oh god Cara!  

8. Barbara Fialho

Fialho is an exotic Goddess, I'll tell you that much. Every time I see her in a magazine or watch her strut her stuff on the runway I feel like shaking a maraca with one hand and eating a taco with the other (yes, this is my definition of exotic.) And my god she's tall. Google her, she makes every man she stands next to look like an absolute midget, my god, I would not want to be caught taking a picture with her! Let's be honest, her genetics deserve two pics on this blog. BOOM! 

7. Constance Jablonski

Constance!!!!!! Ahh, she's so beautiful, although whoever did her makeup for VS 2012 has to get their ass fired because she looked like a witch with those tar-drowned eyes and heavily-contoured cheekbones. But racoon makeup aside, Constance is a true beauty! Her French accent gets me every time, and for someone who looks really rich and stuck up, she comes across as very shy and down to earth. She is the face of Estee Lauder, and has done campaigns for the likes of D&G and Calvin Klein, so yea, she's done alright (not as good as me though, let's be honest) ;) Funniest thing about this chicka though is she actually wanted to become a professional tennis player before getting into modelling. Can you imagine her on the tennis field, defeating her opponents with her ravishingly good looks?! All she would need to do is wink at the referee and she would have the game in the bag! 

6. Maud Welzen

OMG MAUD!!! Like Maud from The Simpson's Maud! But come on, isn't she exactly how you envision Gretel from the fairytale to look like?!?! She is the epitome of cuteness. I love the fact that when I google her, I am met with more than an onslaught of bikini and lingerie photos. She has shot a number of sophisticated and classy fragrance campaigns, and her style lends itself very well to it! Go and watch the pink section of VS 2012, you're in for a pleasant surprise when she turns around whilst wearing the particular ensemble to the right ;) And she's Dutch. I mean, I am done. I am done. 

5. Isabeli Fontana

I have never actually heard Fontana's voice. I think that is a good place to start with this girl because she's the type that really doesn't need to say anything to get you interested. She is so mesmerising that she simply demands attention! She's been working as a model for ages and her work and experience speak volumes. And she's one of those no-shit-get-the-job-done kinda girls, without all the drama and chaos that seems to surround the other VS girls. She's a staple model, always present for every VS runway show since she started. She rocks two to three stunning looks a year and steals the spotlight without being as attention-seeking as Lima or as overly stuck-up as Swanepoel. Definitely one of my top picks! 

4. Erin Heatherton

OMG I love to hate this girl! She is so unbelievably sexy and so unbelievably posh, it's hilarious. You know how some people have like naturally unimpressed facial expressions? That's the story of Erin's life. I love how she is constantly giving interviewers the bitchiest looks and looks at fans at Victoria's Secret store openings as if they were mere peasants (which they actually are compared to her). I actually don't know who else this chicka models for. Although she obviously does model for other brands, I think she's mostly a Victoria's girl, I mean, she doesn't really have a high-fashion kind of look about her, she's really 'the-girl-next-door' kinda type. Stay bitchy Erin dear! ;)

3. Barbara Palvin

I feel like everyone loves this girl, she has such a universal appeal. She's so real and so gorgeous, and she gives AMAZING face! Her story outlining how she became a model is hilarious: "I was, uhhh, just, uhhhh, walking down the uhhh street and this man told me uhhhh 'do you want-ah to become-ah a model-ah' and I said YES! Of course!" Cause that's not creepy or anything, is it Barbara? :/ I guess the moral of the story is: if an old man on the street asks you to be his model, say YES! Too easy :)
DISCLAIMER: don't do it. Please, just don't.

2. Cameron Russell

Ever since my obsession with Lana Del Rey began, I have fallen in love with all things American vintage and from the 1950s. I feel like Cameron has literally been snatched out of this era! And I only very recently figured out why: she looks like a cross between Rita Hayworth and Judy Garland! She really has that old hollywood glamour look to her. Also, she actually stirred up a bit of a controversy at the beginning of the year. She appeared on TedX and basically gave a speech about how modelling is not a career and is not a job to be proud of. As much as I admired her saying this (because I totally agree, being a model simply means you've won the genetic lottery, there's really nothing else to it) she's kinda shooting herself in the foot a bit. I believe she's just doing it for the publicity, but the entire way through her speech the words of my senior English teacher back in high school (when she was warning my class not to get too crazy with pranks we were planning to pull on our teachers on our last day of school) continuously echoed in my head "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." I'm interested to see the implications this little speech Cameron made is going to have on her career (by this I mean I'm waiting to see if she's still going to appear on VS this year, LOL) but I mean I admire her courage and her honesty, and she's a sexy biatch, so, whatevvvvvvvs.

1. Doutzen Kroes

AND I MEAN OF COURSE DOUTZEN IS NUMERAL UNO!!!!

NUF SAID.

Alrighty chickadees, I think that's enough for one day. I don't know about you guys, but I feel like a fat potato... with sour cream on top.

Take care of yourselves, stop procrastinating and do whatever it is you need to be doing, don't take candy from strangers (unless it's a sexy stranger... LOL JKS please don't. You will die) and enjoy the rest of your week!

Au revoir! 

Dry Conversations: A Survival Guide

CHICKADEES!!!!! How are we all?! Good? Good! Cause I don't care! 

Ok, so, I haven't posted any useful advice-giving sorta blogs as of recent, so I thought I would share some of my wisdom with the lot of you this week, because I am absolutely bursting with intelligence and knowledge! I just have to share it with the world! Hold your applause, please. 

Don't you just hate it when you bump into: some random you use to know from school OR a relative you haven't spoken to in/ avoided for years (partly because you think they're fat ugly Jews) OR an old boss that didn't like you very much cause you kept telling customers in their store that their screaming children were feral little rats (I might/ might not be speaking from experience) - and you are forced to make conversation with this particular human being? 

I HATE IT. It scares the living daylights out of me. Not because I have to talk, but because I'm scared my 'fakeness' is too obvious. It's like when I'm trying to sell a pair of jeans to a customer and they ask me "Does this make me look fat?" to which I respond "Are you kidding me?! Your curves look amazing!" whilst thinking to myself 'Oh god, did she see me smile in the mirror reflection? Crap, she knows I think she looks like a whale! I lost the sale! Abort! Abort!'  

So this is a general outline of how I deal with these kind of conversations. Learn from my mistakes people! 

1. AVOID CONTACT AT ALL COSTS! 

If you see this person approaching from a distance, try and get your sorry ass out of sight as quickly as possible! If that means you have to turn around in mid stride and go back the way you came whilst copping a whole lot of awkward looks from the people walking alongside you on the footpath, so be it! If that means pulling down your sunglasses, turning your scarf into a hijab and talking on your dead phone like you're the owner of some multi-billion dollar company, so be it! If that means jumping into a nearby bush (always a classy move), so be it! 

This will make life much easier for you. But if you fools don't react quick enough and find yourself greeted with a "Oh my god, is that you babe/bro/whatever?!" there is still hope that you can survive this life threatning ordeal. 

2. ACT FU*KING EXCITED! 

Okay, you're pretty much screwed at this point, so its time to put on that fake smile. 

If it's a girl: "HEY BABES! OMG I MISS YOU! HOW YOU BEEN?! ALL GOOD?! OMG I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES!! WHAT, I HAVEN'T BEEN CALLING YOU?! BABE I FEEL LIKE YOU'VE FALLEN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!" and all of that nonsense. 

If it's a guy: "Hey brah, how's it going?" 

DO NOT:

* point out any weird haircuts

* tell them to remind you of their name. Keep using the phrases "babe" or "brah" 

* indicate that you've noticed the missing wedding ring

3. COMPLIMENT

You wanna make them feel happy and comfortable, cause that means the conversation flows painlessly and ends quicker. 

If it's a girl: "HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT HUN? OMG YOU HAVE HAVEN'T YOU?! YOU LOOK AMAZING! AND YOUR DRESS! OMG BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS DRESSED NICE, I MISS YOUR FASHION! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO HAVE LOST ALL THIS WEIGHT, I MEAN, OMG. AND I'VE HEARD THAT YOU GOT THAT JOB AT FREEHILLS!!! YOU SMART BEATCH, I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU!" 

If it's a guy: "Bro, have you been working out? Those guns are huge!" 

Remember, act completely surprised by any positive changes in their appearance. If you don't, they will know that you've been stalking their facebook photos. 

DO NOT: 

* Compliment their nose ring

* Compliment their fake tan

* Compliment them on breaking up with their gronk boyfriend (again, they will know you've been stalking them on facebook)

4. TALK ABOUT LIFE

Remember, you're very interested in their life, because that's the kind of person you are. Saint Therese ain't got shit on you! 

If it's a girl: "SO HOW'S UNI/WORK/ THE CENTRELINK PAYMENTS?!?! YEA, DON'T WORRY, MY BOSS IS A SKANK TOO! AND HOW ABOUT THE LOVE LIFE? ANY TRIPS PLANNED FOR THIS SUMMER? HOW'S THE FAMILY?! I MISS YOUR MUM MAN, I MISS OUR CONVERSATIONS WITH HER!" 

If it's a boy: "How's engineering going brah? You should've come to UTS brah, fuck UNSW!" 

DO NOT: 

* talk about how you're currently dating their ex. 

* go into detail about university and study. That just makes you look like a prick. A smart prick, but a prick nevertheless.

* ask if she is pregnant. Ha, good luck getting yourself out of that one. "Ha, well, must just be the cupcakes then!" ... 

5. MAKE FAKE PROMISES AS YOU BID FAREWELL

This part is mandatory. Jesus will forgive you eventually. 

If it's a girl: "WE MUST CATCH UP FOR COFFEE SOON BABES, I REALLY DO MISS YOU! I'LL COME BY YOUR WORK NEXT WEEK AND WE'LL GRAB A BITE TO EAT DURING YOUR BREAK. NO NO I STILL HAVE YOUR NUMBER SAVED ON MY PHONE, I'LL TEXT YA AND WE'LL ORGANISE A DAY, HOW DOES THAT SOUND? AND YOU HAVE ME ON FACEBOOK, RIGHT?! YEA, I'LL ORGANISE A GROUP EVENT AND INVITE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS AND WE'LL ORGANISE A DINNER NIGHT, MAYBE BONDI PIZZA OR SOMETHING!" 

If it's a guy: "Good seeing ya bro, we'll def grab a drink sometime." 

DO NOT: 

* use the word 'maybe' in any of your fake promises. They must all sound legit. 

* set a date to catchup on the spot. Say you'll organise it later. 

* attempt to make contact again. 

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS!!!! 

That's how to be a good friend ;) Now you can walk the streets with confidence, feeling ready and equipped to deal with any unwanted 'blasts from the past.' Now just you wait, I'm most probably gonna bump into an old school friend tomorrow and they'll start the conversation off with "I liked the blog you posted last night." ... to which I will respond "THANKS BABES, OMG I MISS YOUR POSITIVE ATTITUDE TO LIFE!!!!" ;) 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! 

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES Season 4 Episode 15

... Ooops I haven't blogged in a month... 

Whatever, you're excited I'm posting, SO today is all about the VAMPIRE DIARIES! 

Obviously if you haven't watched episode 15 yet (you're an idiot) but also don't read any further because obviously I will spoil a few things for ya. 

Now I have quite a few mixed emotions about this episode. I dunno, I mean, I liked it, it was exciting and fast-paced, which is saying something in light of the fact that Season 4 episodes 1 through to 14 have been SOO PAINSTAKINGLY BORING (okay, Elena is a vampire and she wants to be a human because she wants to grow old and... I dunno what else, but WHO CARES!) but on the same token, the show implemented and destroyed some extremely sensitive and edgy plot lines that don't seem to mean good news for the show in the long run. 

As a Vampire Diaries FIEND, I would like to enlighten y'all with my thoughts on this latest instalment of fang porn, but also explain why I thought this season has sucked thus far, what could have been done better AND what direction I, as a loyal fan, believe the show MUST take in order to make a speedy recovery from the rut it has landed itself in. 

Now, let's get cracking! 

KATHERINE IS BACK! 

I couldn't contain myself, I was doing backflips! Katherine is a fascinating character because she is a volatile combination of some absolutely riveting motifs and concepts: 

1. A complete juxtaposition of her doppelganger Elena 

2. Completely bathed in history

3. A genetic marvel

4. Her self-preserving nature

And I mean the list goes on. But really.. she's just a bitch and we love her! She adds a lot of spice to the show and her nature makes her the perfect vehicle to accelerate plot lines. Although the circumstances surrounding her return this season are questionable, her current possession of the Cure unquestionably intertwines her with the show's present storyline, which is only a good thing! 

Katherine's extended disappearances really annoy me, but I guess that's what makes Katherine Katherine. She is a total 'frenemy' to the Mystic Falls clan, however, I think that the producers should ally Katherine with Elena, Stefan and Damon for the rest of this particular season, seeing the looming threat of Silas. And even though I know that Katherine received a lot of attention in Season 2, I would really like a bit more insight into her life and her character. This would be the perfect time to do so! 

Bonnie has become a psycho-bitch

I don't have much to say about this point apart from the fact that it happened. I never liked Bonnie, her character in and of itself is quite unbelievable. It has become a joke amongst my friends and I that whenever we're stressed out about exams or are nervous about a particular life situation, we just say "Oh, don't worry, Bonnie will find a book." 

And it's so true and annoying! How many bloody times has the show created impossible situations for itself only to have this teenage little girl from some little random ass town in the USA to find a book and with one little spell seems to make waste to the complication. 

"Nobody can undo the 300 year old entrapment curse on the church tomb filled with 30 rotting vampires." "Oh, don't worry, Bonnie found a book." 

"It's impossible to kill an Original vampire! They have been around for a thousand years and are simply immortal creatures!" "Oh, don't worry, Bonnie found a book." 

"No one can raise Silas, he's been dead for thousands upon thousands of years!" "Oh, don't worry, Bonnie found a book." 

Oh deary me, CW, you build me up, you bring me down! 

And now she's out to sacrifice 12 people to bring EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER DIED back to life... I'm fucking confused. WHAT?! 

They honestly really need to do something about this. It's killing my life. The producers have to either analyse the scales of their story-line complications and bring them down a notch OR get Bonnie an ancient leader witch friend to help her out, because Bonnie is not capable of doing all this shit! I'm sorry! 

Elena turns off her humanity

Now this was one of the more interesting twists for me. Damon's dialogue throughout the season has definitely foreshadowed it, so I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm 'surprised', but I never thought that it would have actually happened. Now, I like it because Elena can finally be something other than a buzz kill. THERE, I SAID IT! Elena is a boring-ass character. She is the girl next door who sleeps with two brothers and yet retains a very high standard of sexual morality. She's the character whom we all say we love to our friends, but in the privacy of our own homes, infront of our laptop screens, we want to slap her across the face multiple times! 

This instantly triggered two possible future occurrences in my mind: 

1. Elena now has to take the cure in order to be normal

OR (and more likely to happen) 

2. Bonnie finds a book (when she becomes normal again, that is, or whatever normal means in Bonnie land) 

In the last few minutes of the last episode, Elena seemed to resemble Katherine in more ways than one, which then begged the question: "Was Katherine once a nice lovely girl like Elena, but than after she turned off her humanity became the sexy bitch we now know and love today?" Because, technically, Elena and Katherine are genetically identical! Does that mean that their innate personalities are identical? This brings up the scientific "Nature Vs. Nurture" debate, and I love it. If the producers decide to extrapolate on this point right here, it'll give the shows procession a much more in depth path to take.

And this basically means that we'll have two Katherine's in the show! Ummm, I'm definitely not complaining!!

It'll just be a shame when Elena (unarguably) returns back to her former self. I haven't even experienced the new Elena and I already love her much more than the old Elena... and that's saying something!

The Caroline/ Klaus/ Tyler mess

I love Caroline.

I don't like Tyler.

I CAN'T STAND KLAUS!!!!!

I'm sorry, but if the show is heading where I think it's heading, and that is making Klaus and Caroline a couple, I'M NOT HAPPY!

Reasons I don't like Klaus:

* He's killed every character that I've ever loved on the show
* His accent is not sexy
* He dresses like a goon
* He smiles like a goon
* His mouth looks funny
* He's a natural blonde (...bastard...)
* It's 'C'laus, not 'K'laus. Who the fuck do you think you are? A Kardashian sister or some shit??? do you wanna change your last name from 'Mikaelson' to 'Kikaelson' next?

^^^ These are all very mature grounds upon which an adult is allowed not to like another person. Just sayin'.

I think Caroline should marry Matt, Tyler should get it on with Phoebe Tonkin's character (whatever her name in the show is) and Klaus should just be staked already. His storyline is over, he's boring as hell, kill him off and present a new character! I'm not mean at all :)

So that's my opinion on the show this season. I'll keep you up to date with my thoughts as they change and develop! Let me know your thoughts! I shall leave you with the trailer for the next episode:

and my love! Love y'all chicadees!!! MWA!!! 

did God heal you?

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY DEAR IDAHOANS! 

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year! I've had a fantaby hoobily groovily break, and I am glad to be blogging once more. I have missed venting to you chickadees and I am so thrilled and excited for twenty thirteen that I have decided that I shall be blogging once a week, every week for the foreseeable months ahead! OMG, you're going to have to deal with my shit on a weekly basis? You better start stocking up on them painkillers, cause I'm telling you from now, you're gonna bloody need them! 

Today I come to you with a very interesting topic, namely being Divine/ Miraculous healing. Oh jolly good, we are venturing down the winding road of rudeness and offensiveness! As I always do, I feel it extremely important to explicitly state that I do not mean to offend anyone on my blog channel, rather I wish to express my opinions and, hopefully, that will allow for you to shoot me a message or leave a comment expressing yours! That's what I love about this, we're able to debate and discuss and share our thoughts due to the fact that we are all so boring and have nothing better to do with our lives :) GOD BLESS THE INTERNET! 

Okay, now onto defining the issue at hand. When I talk about divine healing, I am referring to the act of humans reaching out to a supernatural being, namely some form of God, for assistance during sickness, injury or possible death. Now I'm not necessarily religious so I see this as simply silly, but I have no problem with people praying to their higher beings for help. What I do have a problem with is their reactions after the ordeal is done. So, let's get into the itty-gritty of it with the help of subtitles, and let's get the ball rolling! 

Mercy upon the dying

Now I'm not gonna lie to you, there are a lot of things that people frequently do that confuse the crap out of me, but at the very top of this list is the prayers made by individuals to save loved ones from a foreseeable death. Don't get me wrong, I understand WHY people do it, and I even find myself praying to a God I don't believe in when faced with such hard and unfortunate circumstances myself, however, what absolutely gnaws away at me are people's RESPONSES to the outcome. To put it simply (and I do not mean to sound rash): 

Scenario 1: If the person lives- "It was a miracle! God answered our prayers! God is great, if it wasn't for him, he/she would have surely died!" 

Scenario 2: If the person passes away- "It was meant to be. God obviously has a plan and it was simply this person's time to die. It isn't that God didn't answer our prayers, it's just that he knows best." 

This absolutely kills me (no pun intended). The way I think about it is if you are going to praise God for answering your prayers if the person lives, then technically you should be cursing him and proclaiming that he doesn't exist if the person dies! If you're going to rave about this God's supernatural power and strength and so on and so forth if the person survives a surgery then you should damn well strip him of all his power and glory if the operation goes downhill. This is a perfect example of SELECTIVE BELIEF. 

I think Religious people should always react as they would in scenario 2. Not surprisingly, these are the same people that blame doctors and surgeons if a person doesn't survive a heart transplant but seem to completely forget that these medical practitioners even exist if the surgery was a success, and automatically attribute the terrific outcome to God's work. It just isn't clicking in my head. 

People who get VIP Godly healing

This is something that I have been asking myself from a very young age, and that question is "Why do some people get healed and some people don't?" 

It's sort of like when people are asked to pray for another individuals recovery and health. Does this mean that God keeps a tally of how many prayers each sick person receives and, if there are enough chalk strokes on the wall, he will save them? What if a person doesn't have anyone praying for them? Or what if they are praying to the wrong God? Now a religious person would automatically respond with "You are being silly and obnoxious! That is not how it works! Prayers are just a way of communicating with God, God knows what he's doing and that's that!" But then my answer to that would be: "Why pray?" Cause if what you are saying holds water, wouldn't it then be degrading to your God if you pray to him? Because I know if I've already made a decision that I am 100% certain is correct, I would be very pissed if I had a group of people nagging me and trying to sway my decision. 

And that still leaves the question of why some people survive operations/ sicknesses/ whatever and others don't. This very much bothers me because when I hear someone attribute a person's wellbeing to God I think of another sick person in my life who is not doing so well and I reason "Well why the hell isn't my friend doing well? Did God just overlook him/her because he was to busy helping your relative?" 

This is the same line of thought I mandate when I question why I was fortunate enough to be born into a first-world country and other children are born into poverty-stricken countries where chances are they won't even live long enough to see their teen years. Where is the rational for this selectiveness? And don't give me that "God works in mysterious ways" bullshit, that is such a cop-out answer. 

An omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent God needs YOUR opinion!

I think what drives me up the wall the most here is the fact that people mostly believe (again, depending on their religion) that their God knows everything: past, present and future. So if your God knows the future, why the hell are you praying for or seeking a miracle? A miracle by its very definition is something that cannot be explained due to its sudden and unexpected occurrence  and this goes completely against the grain of God being all-knowing. 

If you believe that God knows the future, or your religion specifies a non-changeable fate, what makes you think your prayers are going to do anything? What gives you the right to praise your prayers if a person recovers from a sickness? 

It's sort of like when Christianity states that the majority of the human population is going to hell. God obviously knows this because he knows the future, so why create us in the first place? I'd much rather be non-existent than spend an ETERNITY in an unpleasant place called hell. Heck, I can't seem to stand a 2-hour church service, what makes you think I will enjoy an ETERNITY of suffering?! It's sort of like you giving a hundred kids whom you love a present each, and five out of the hundred boxes contain good things like candy and unicorns and butterflies, but the other ninety-five contain diseases and flesh-eating zombies and crying babies *puke*. And you know exactly what the boxes contain. Why give them the boxes in the first place? 

The claim that a God is all-knowing and the claim that a God is a miraculous healing-worker who listens to prayer are claims that are like oil and water; they simply don't mix. 

Hopefully I haven't elevated your blood pressure too much :) So remember, if my blasphemes opinions have offended you, please let me know by commenting or messaging! And if you agree, comment or message anyway! ... I just want to be friends... BE MY FRIEND!!!! 

Have a great week chickadees, and I shall talk to y'all in a weeks time! And, in the spirit of confused memes: 

BYEEEEEE! 

The Perks of Having Exams -.-

Howdy Chickadees!!!

I hope we are all doing well! I finished my uni exams last week, and I had made all these extravagant and adventurous plans for my holidays whilst I was stressing and preparing for the 4 papers I had to sit, and low and behold, all I've been doing is pumping Lana in my room and dancing on my bed like a crazy! Yep, sounds about right ;)

Over the past 14 odd years of my academic life, I have come to pick up on some pretty annoying things that take place during exams that literally drive me up the wall. I think that you, my darling readers, have come to conclude that I just hate people (literally, we are annoying little shits!) but there is something about exams that really intensifies people's annoyingness (I'm making that a word). 

So, without further ado, let me take you over some things that turns me off about exams! LET THE RANTING BEGIN! 

1. Nerdy Friends

Man, there is nothing that annoys me more than bothered smart people! And they make themselves ridiculously visible during exam time! 

Chloe: OMG BABE I DID NOT STUDY FOR THIS EXAM AT ALL!!
Josh: Really hun??
Chloe: Yea! Not at all! Oh my god I'm so screwed!
Josh: Well then, please explain that 128-page exercise book that you are carrying filled from front to back with study notes!!!!
Chloe: Oh this old thing?! That's nothing! I just pulled this together last night when I was stressed!
Josh: *Reaches for frying pan*

Bitch, we know you studied! Shut up and stop guilt-tripping me 10 minutes before I go into the exam room! 

Let us not forget the children that annoy the shit out of you to test them on course material, but when you ask them to ask you a practice question, they shy away and resort to their study notes. I'ma gonna slap you, then I'ma gonna slap yo' mama, and then I'ma gonna slap yo mama's mama! 

Oh, and have you guys got a 'Jess' in your life?? What do I mean by a 'Jess'?? Please, read on: 

Jess: *walks out of exam* EPIC FAIL!!! 

Josh: OMG yay someone else who found the test hard as well! Let's be friends! 

*Exam results come back* 

Jess: OMG I got 99%, I guess that's alright... 

Josh: *Hides his 48% mark* WHORE YOU SAID YOU FOUND IT HARD!!!!!! 

[Disclaimer: I LOVE YOU CHLOE AND JESS!!! MWA!!] 

2. The Exam Supervisors

Now here's the thing, I don't dislike the supervisors as much as I dislike how I treat them!! I am a dreadful dreadful heartless person when I enter an exam room, and any physical or eye contact I get from people whilst I am seated and sweating my ass off, in particular from the cute old people that supervise university exams, I reciprocate with extremist death stars! But I don't mean to, I swear! It's all unintentional! 

For my Journalism exam this semester, for an example, there was a cute old lady who was watching over the exam room, and I was simply a bitch to her! How? 

a) Every time she looked at me, I subconsciously challenged her to a staring competition, hence making her feel very uncomfortable. 

b) Whenever she walked by me, I took a deep breath as if she was annoying me. 

c) When she came to check my student i.d. card, I flinched and gave her a bit of a shock, and continued to give her a death stare. 

d) When she was collecting the exam papers, I shoved my booklet into her hand and rushed away. 

Darling old lady, if you're reading this, I am oh so sorry! I'm not really a bitch... well, ok, maybe a little bit... but not to you!! 

But the thing with exam supervisors is that every time they look at you, it's like they're judging you, and no matter what you do, it looks like you're cheating! If you bend down to pick up a pencil you dropped, it looks like you're cheating. If you take a drink of water, it looks like you're cheating. If you look around the room, it looks like you're cheating. If you stare blankly into space, it looks like you're cheating. If you itch your head, it looks like you're cheating. I mean, come on! 

3. Skanks in exam rooms

I am always seated next to the biggest bludgers in exam rooms, and it bloody annoys me! These are usually blonde bimbos (who theoretically I should be able to get along with, but no) who insist on going to the bathroom at least three times throughout the course of the exam, stretch every 2 minutes, and stare aimlessly into space with their tongues sticking out. YOU ANNOY ME CHILD! 

They also click their pens, kick their tables and insist on bringing in 5 litre bottles into the room. 

Why can't I just sit next to an ordinary person?! That way, if I get stuck on a question and want to cheat, I can actually look over to someone's paper who's answers I might remotely be able to trust! 

Honestly, why are you even sitting the exam honey pie?? Just sleep with the course administrator and get him to fix up your marks. (Disclaimer: I strongly advise against this!!!) But I mean... a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do ;) 

No but seriously, don't sleep with your teachers. In fact, don't sleep with anyone! DON'T HAVE SEX, BECAUSE YOU WILL GET PREGNANT... AND DIE! DON'T HAVE SEX IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION, DON'T HAVE SEX STANDING UP! JUST DON'T DO IT, PROMISE?!?! Okay, everyone take some rubbers. 

4. Exams which you are given the questions of before-hand

You'd think this is a good thing, right?! If you knew what questions would be in the exam? NO, THINK AGAIN! 

You wanna know why?! Because regardless, I won't study for it. Quite the opposite, I'll think I won't need to worry about preparing for that exam too much because I already have the questions. 

MEANWHILE, extremist nerds are writing prepared responses for these questions and memorising the shit out of them, leading to them kicking your ass big time! 

No, I would much rather you not tell us the questions Mr. Lecturer, so that way route-learning bitches don't have an advantage and we can all be on the same page of confusedness because we don't know jackshit. And I have spent the majority of my schooling life refining my bullshitting skills, so I would  like to show off this talent of mine THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! 

5. Yourself

I bloody hate myself during exams! Why? I'm unorganised, study the night before every exam regardless of how much time I'm given to prepare before hand and I'm a stress head! A very volatile combination of ingredients if you ask me! 

I'm the Queen of Procrastination! 

"Oh, I've got a media exam tomorrow of which I know nothing about?!? No worries, I'll just watch 5 HOURS WORTH OF GREGORY GORGEOUS VIDEOS and then I'll get started." 

"Hmmmm, should I get my notes together or should I start cleaning my room, even though I haven't cleaned it in a years time. No brainer there, I'll get the broom!!" 

Mother: I'm going shopping, wanna come?

Josh: No, I have an exam tomorrow mum. 

Mother: Well, I might be swinging by Maccas later on-- 

Josh: I'll race you to the car!!! 

I mean, I really outdo my laziness levels during exams! You'd think you'd amp it up a level during exams. Not me, I actually take it down a notch. I tell myself YOLO, and then I cry after my exam. And then I tell myself YOLO, and I go get drunk :) LOL JOKES, I HAVE ARAB PARENTS!! I go home and drink lebo coffee with the mother. But than again, that stuff is so strong, I wouldn't be surprised if it was classified as an alcohol!! 

6. Asians

Okay, this is me being completely racist. But Asians just really put me on edge during exam time! I just see them and start crying because I stereotypically believe that they have studied their asses off whilst I was watching back-to-back episodes of Judge Judy. INAPPROPRIATE SEQUENCE OF RACIST MEMES!!! 

Okay my darlings, so I hope you can all relate, and if you can't and this is all just me... well THAT is pretty awkward!! 

And I am sure you are all wondering what song I was procrastinating to the most this prior exam period! Well it was.... *drumroll* .... Pepsi-Cola by Lana Del Rey! It is extremely inappropriate, and hence perfect for studying! Because when we are studying for exams, we all question the reason why we are putting ourselves through such torture and consider quite interesting future career paths like Stripping and Prostitution :) And what better way to fuel these thoughts than to listen to Lana Del Rey singing about her pussy :) 

Okay BYEEEEEEE!!! 

Everybody's a 'whore' :)

CHICKADEES! 

How are my darlings today? 

What do I want to address in this blog made in Idaho?? Well, just a very laid-back and happy-go-lucky question along the lines of: WHY IS THE WORD 'WHORE' SUCH A TABBOO REMARK IN  TODAY'S SOCIETY?!?! 

Okay okay, maybe I understand why it is, but the revolutionary message that I am here to share with all of you guys is the fact that we are all, indeed, whores! 

How do we define whore? I define it as a sexual person. And, let's be real here, we are ALL sexual persons. It's not me speaking, it's science! It is scientifically proven that we all like a little action on a lonely Friday night... I am pretty sure. Why is that? I dunno. It's written in The Origin of Species... somewhere... 

Why is it that our society is so afraid of sexual promiscuity? Yea, I do believe that going around and sleeping with randoms is not the best thing you can do for both your physical and emotional health, but WHY is there such an emphasis on degrading people (in particular but not restricted to women) in regards to their sex life? 

I mean, let's think about this for a second, right. Smoking is, for an example, an activity that people engage in that is extremely detrimental to their health. But in a Christian household, for an example, a smoker does not cope close to a quater of the abuse that a sexually ambitious woman would. WHY?!?! Why can't we use phrases like "OMG do you see that girl dancing in the corner? Yea, she is such a smoker" as opposed to "... she is such a whore!" 

And I do not pose this question as a literal question, I do understand that there are many cultural and religious reasons why whores are degraded, and I'm not here to debate this. Rather, I would like to give you guys a few pointers/examples/ideas that will hopefully prove to you that we, the human race, are all complete and utter whorebags, and the sooner we come to realise this, the sooner we will all be able to rejoice together in our slutty ways! 

Josh's amazing list of examples of everyday activities/ aspects of our lives that make us whores!!!!

Clearly, I have extraordinary title-making skills -.-

1. Exercising

"OMG babe I totally exercise so I can stay healthy and fit." 

Yea yea, okay, I believe you -.- That's a complete lie, and you know it! Why do we exercise??? So we can get hot butts and legs and muscles and chests and abs. Why? So we can be perceived as attractive. Why? SO WE CAN HAVE A HIGHER CHANCE OF GETTING LAID AT THE CLUB/ BAR/ SCHOOL/ CHURCH/ WHATEVER!!!!! 

When you go for that 20 kilometer jog at 6am on a Sunday morning, you're not doing it because you're worried about your cholesterol levels! It's because you want to lose weight and fit into that lingerie outfit you saw at bras'n'things the other day! (It's also an added bonus that your hot Brazilian neighbour (who is a lawyer and single) religiously attends to his garden bright and early every Sunday morning! Oh those Brazilians... )

Why do you go to the gym to lift weights? So you can use that "I can bench press you" pick-up line on any girl you might happen to fancy! 

Why can't we just not care about our looks and eat whatever we want and not care what our bodies look like??? Hmmmmm... And don't give me the health bullshit again. A fat person can still be healthy, don't be ignorant! They're just not as easily laid... ;) 

2. Slut-Shaming

"Do you know that chick Karen, yea, she is a total Hoe!" 

"Did you see what she was wearing to the Gym bro?! Faar what a ganga!" 

I will be the first to admit, I am something I like to describe as a whore-shamer-by-habit. I usually call myself a whore and my friends whores without really thinking through what I'm saying. This is a sub-category, I believe, of general slut-shaming. Because people are so insecure about their own sexuality, they proceed to call each other sluts and hoes. 

Girls call each other hoes because they're jealous that the other party is getting more action down south then they are, and guys slut shame other girls because they're frustrated that they can't get with them. The fact that guys don't generally get called sluts frustrates me, but that's a different topic all together. 

This jealousy simply reinforces the argument that we are all sluts! You know in the wild how animals fight with each other about who gets to mate who? Our version of this breeding ritual is called slut shaming. The only reason we do it is because we want to be the ones getting the action! 

3. Religion itself

I mean, have you ever really given it a proper thought as to why the vast majority of religions condemn sexual promiscuity? There are two ways I can answer this: 

The Politically Correct Answer: "Sexual immorality leads to various consequences for the individual in question. It is emotionally draining, may have extreme repercussions on their health and, overall, leads to them having an unstable and unfulfilling life." 

The Realistic Answer: "We live in a world run by men, and men do not like the idea that there might have been, at one stage or another, one or more penises from men other then themselves inside the woman they are married to. This woman is theirs and theirs alone. If the men themselves restrain from sex until they get married (which is extremely unlikely) they simply do this out of respect to their fellow males." 

Religion restricts us from doing a whole shit load of things. Why? It was constructed by males for males. Can't get any simpler than that. And let's understand something here, my fellow Idahoans, a woman who sleeps with simply her husband-to-be before marriage is still looked down upon by the religious. WHY?!?! Think about it! Men who have slept around are just going through a phase that all boys go through and they will eventually learn, BUT GIRLS?! God forbid! She's ruined for life! 

And once again, I'm not categorising all religious people. However, this is definitely the underlying thought to it. 

And why?! This comes back to the point of jealousy. We are SEXUAL BEINGS, hence why Religion finds it necessary to regulate sexual affairs. Religious people who degrade the sexually promiscuous are simply more articulate and polite slut-shamers.

4. YOU'RE READING THIS BLOG! 

Why are you reading this blog? Because you saw the word 'whore' in the title! You want to know about whores. You want to be entertained by the ways of whores. You're interested in whores. YOU ARE A WHORE! 

But, my darling viewers, I don't want you to take this in an offensive way! Once we take the power away from a word, it no longer hurts us! Gone are the days when we were sexually repressed, and here we are today in the 21st century, an era of liberation and freedom! Our sexuality should not be something that can be used against us to repress us, because our sexuality is US! 

Just like we no longer discriminate against people because of their race, gender or religion (or at least I would like to think we don't) we should not degrade or look down upon each other because of the number of sexual partners we have or the frequency of the sexual acts we engage in. 

Is it wrong? This is not for us to judge! Just like we don't degradingly judge smokers or people who like eating fatty sugary foods or Jews. 

We have to remove this stigma about sluts and whores out of our language and our society, because as soon as we do this, the sooner we can all realise that we are ALL big fat whores, and it's aye okay :) 

Oh how I love cheesy endings! I seem to do them oh so well ;) 

Hope you have a lovely week, be kind to others, treat your mothers well, don't take candy from strangers and use a condom if any interesting situations present themselves to you in a public bathroom cubicle in the next few days.

Believe me, some people needed to read that. 

BYEEEE CHICKADEES! 

How to: Survive a Conversation about Evolution with a Christian... Oh dear lord (no pun intended!)

First and foremost my darling chickadees, I am OH SO SORRY for not having posted in such a long time! I'm not gonna bother explaining myself 'cause I know you're all so vicious and won't care what I have to say and will tear me apart regardless of what I say, SO I will just jump into today's topic, a juicy one in my opinion ;)

Have you ever had the misfortune of talking to a Christian about Evolution? If you haven't, I envy you. If you have, I am positive you will be able to sympathise with me and know that you are not alone. I have encountered this dangerous point of discussion on multiple occasions, and coming from an extremely Religious family that likes to surround themselves with extremely Religious fanatics, I am not surprised in the slightest by this. The world according to Religious people is extremely fascinating and I believe that universities around the globe should have courses regarding the psychology of devout religious individuals, because honestly, they are WHACK! I don't mean to offend any of my religious readers, believe what you want to believe, I couldn't care less in all honesty, but sometimes the way that some people view the world just fascinates me! The fact that an individual is able to limit what they want and don't want to understand is just shocking to me, and the reflex reactions that a lot of Christians have to my views on evolution in particular (but not limited to) is truly something that should be documented and studied.

The reason why I do not conform to any religious group is because of the limited space available for freedom of thinking and learning, and any religious person who says that they are able to explore and understand everything there is to understand is kidding themselves, because Religion in itself does not allow you to explore all the avenues this world has to offer BECAUSE you are only allowed to believe in one thing and one thing only, and your life has to rotate around it.

Now back to evolution, throughout the past few years of my life, I think I have basically narrowed down all the ridiculous and hilarious ways that Christians react to the concept of evolution. I have compiled a list of the various reactions you might get when debating Darwin's work with devout religious people, and hopefully this will prep you so you know what to expect when you find yourself faring in such an unfortunate circumstance :)

I am not related to monkeys!!!!!! 

This is probably the most illogical and uneducated thing they could say, but let's not kid ourselves, we're not surprised that this came out of their mouths. Christians seem to have extremely large egos, they believe that a God that created the entire universe and existed forever made them in HIS image (note the patriarchy), that they are perfect and they are the only living organisms in the entire universe. Comparing them to monkeys is simply not on (even though the majority of them act and think like monkeys. In fact, it should be the monkey that gets offended at such a connection!)

What do you say in this circumstance? Say that no, evolution does not stipulate that humans are the cousins of monkeys, rather that we share a common ancestor with the Great Apes. They will reply "Apes, monkeys, all the same!!" It is at this point that you realise that talking to this person is making your IQ drop.

Evolution is just a theory! Scientists are stupid! 
I love this argument so so so much, because they basically shoot themselves in the foot! If evolution is just a theory, what on earth does that make your God??? How can something that has so much proof and evidence backing it up be inferior to a higher being that has close to no real proof attached to him! Evolution has been proven to such an extent that we have to deny our own existence to deny evolution. Thanks to scientific devices such as radio carbon dating and the study of fossils, we know for an absolute fact that evolution took place! How could you even bring yourself to argue that it is just a theory when it is YOUR RELIGION that relies on solely "faith" to hold itself up! All an evolutionist is to do is to say "Evolution is my belief that I hold close to my heart" to completely shut you up!

If evolution is just a scientific theory, that equates your religion to being a fairytale. That simple.

But the bible says so! 
The bible says a whole lot of things sweet pea, and let us remember that the majority of the world now sees the bible for what it really is: a book of compiled random stories that have close to no facts backing it up. They were stories told in farming communities, like folk tales in a sense, that suddenly have so much power amongst religious people because it is backed as the "Word of God." The bible states that the world is 4-5 thousand years old. We have scientific evidence that proves (hands down) that the world is 4 and a half BILLION years old.

How is this measured? Well, using similar strains of science that is used in hospitals to cure patients and improve the well being of humans. I believe that all people who disagree with the age of the earth as concluded by scientists should be withheld from all forms of medical treatments and technological advancements such as television and toilets and cars. It's only fair, I say. It's so blasting ironic when these television evangelists use their microphones and their recording station, things all created by scientists by the way, to blast and degrade people in the scientific community about their beliefs in evolution!!! Are you mad??? Go live in a cave for christ sake!

So my darlings, I hope I have equipped you with the necessities that you need to go to war with a crazy fanatic Christian! Keep using your brains and allow yourself to question everything around you, because that is the only way you can grow and get the most out of your life. Hopefully you can help some poor creationist see the light (I'm really outdoing myself with the humour today!).